


A Better Way to Wed

by gdgdbaby



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Ad Read Fic, Experimental Style, F/M, Gen, Transcripts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-14 11:47:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13007127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gdgdbaby/pseuds/gdgdbaby
Summary: LOVETT:In case those of you listening at home haven't heard the latest news, Tommy and his lovely significant other, Hanna, recently got engaged. However, he has yet to choose a best man.TOMMY:(sighing) Look, guys —FAVS:I can't imagine what's taking him so long.TOMMY:Do we have to hash this out right now?LOVETT:While you're trapped in the recording studio with us? Absolutely.





	A Better Way to Wed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mosca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mosca/gifts).



> Happy holidays, Mosca! I hope you enjoy this bit of ridiculousness as much as I enjoyed writing it for you. ♥

SEPTEMBER 14, 2017: "Amnesty Don."

**FAVS:** The presenting sponsor of Pod Save America is Blue Apron.  
**LOVETT:** Blue Apron! Friend of all young professionals trying to level up from ordering takeout every weeknight.  
**FAVS & TOMMY:** (laughing)  
**FAVS:** Definitely our target demographic.  
**TOMMY:** Hanna and I cooked Blue Apron three times last week. It was delicious.  
**FAVS:** That sounds delightful, Tommy.  
**LOVETT:** Speaking of you and Hanna —  
**TOMMY:** Oh, no.  
**FAVS:** Oh, yes.  
**LOVETT:** In case those of you listening at home haven't heard the latest news, Tommy and his lovely significant other, Hanna, recently got engaged. However, he has yet to choose a best man.  
**TOMMY:** (sighing) Look, guys —  
**FAVS:** I can't imagine what's taking him so long.  
**TOMMY:** Do we have to hash this out right now?  
**LOVETT:** While you're trapped in the recording studio with us? Absolutely.  
**TOMMY:** It's only been like two weeks. We haven't even decided on a date yet.  
**LOVETT:** It's alright, Tommy. You can let Jon down easy.  
**FAVS:** Excuse me? I've known him longer. We're — bosom buddies. (laughing) Tommy and I are bosom buddies, Lovett.  
**LOVETT:** _Bosom buddies_?  
**TOMMY:** Can we get back to the ad copy? I'll even read it for you. Blue Apron now offers thirty minute meals: meals every week that take thirty minutes or less to cook.  
**LOVETT:** It should've taken you thirty minutes or less to decide.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Agreed. Blue Apron is designed with your busy schedules in mind —  
**LOVETT:** So you can cook delicious food and plan your wedding at the same time!  
**TOMMY:** (quietly) Oh my God.  
**FAVS:** — with your busy schedules in mind, and made with the same farm-fresh ingredients that you know and love. Get thirty dollars off your first meal and free shipping by going to Blue Apron dot com slash Crooked.  
**LOVETT:** Blue Apron DOT com SLASH Crooked.  
**FAVS:** Blue Apron is a better… way… to…  
**LOVETT:** I'm just saying, Tommy. You heard my toast at Jon and Emily's rehearsal dinner. Best speech of the weekend.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) Not sure indirectly insulting my speech is the way to go here, Lovett. Anyway, we're cutting half of this ad out. No — you know what? We're recording the whole thing over again. From the top, guys, let's go.  
**FAVS:** … cook.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 16, 2017: "Trump's Emotional Affair."

**LOVETT:** Lovett or Leave It is brought to you by Parachute. Note to Lovett: our stuff is comfortable. Do your thing, straight shooter.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Wow. Egregious pandering.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) At least somebody appreciates me. I just want to give a shoutout to all the people on Twitter supporting my best man campaign. It means the world.  
**FAVS:** The effectiveness of crowdsourcing for something like this remains to be seen.  
**LOVETT:** Well, you know, it's worth a shot.  
**FAVS:** I think Tommy just likes listening to us bicker. About this, about Starbucks espressos, about Pundit and Leo —  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) How dare you, Jon. Don't be flippant. Those are all incredibly serious issues.  
**FAVS:** You're right, you're right. Do you think Tommy and Hanna would appreciate Parachute sheets as an engagement present?  
**LOVETT:** It feels a little too intimate? (laughing) Maybe a gift card.  
**FAVS:** You know _intimate_ is my wheelhouse.  
**LOVETT:** I'm uncomfortable. Visit Parachute Home dot com slash Lovett for free shipping and returns. Parachute offers a sixty night trial, so if you don't love it, leave it!  
**FAVS:** Send it back.  
**LOVETT:** No questions asked. Parachute Home dot com slash Lovett - L - O - V - E - T - T. We're not using the other towels and sheets anymore.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 18, 2017: "Sean Spicer is good now."

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Are you hiring?  
**LOVETT:** I'm not, but I know someone who is.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) Please don't.  
**LOVETT:** Tommy's still trying to fill a pretty big opening in his wedding party.  
**FAVS:** Well, Tom, do you know where to post your jobs to find the best candidates?  
**TOMMY:** I do, Jon.  
**FAVS:** With ZipRecruiter you can post your job to a hundred plus job sites with just one click. Then, their powerful technology efficiently matches the right people to your job better than anyone else.  
**LOVETT:** Anyone else!  
**FAVS:** That's why ZipRecruiter is different! Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on the right candidates finding you.  
**LOVETT:** Though, in this case, they already have.  
**TOMMY:** Debatable.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) It finds them! Did you know that eighty percent of employers who post a job on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within just one day?  
**LOVETT:** I did not know that! I bet Tommy didn't either. Wow, one day. So fast. So easy.  
**FAVS:** No juggling emails or calls to your office. Simply screen, rate, and manage candidates all in one place with ZipRecruiter's easy to use dashboard. Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by businesses of all sizes to find the most qualified job candidates with immediate results.  
**LOVETT:** I hear Sean Spicer's free, Tommy. He was at the Emmys, strong performance there. He could do a whole press briefing at your upcoming nuptials as well.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) I'll take it into consideration.  
**FAVS:** Right now, Pod Save America listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free!  
**LOVETT:** For free, Tommy!  
**FAVS:** Just go to ZipRecruiter dot com slash Crooked.  
**LOVETT:** ZipRecruiter: a better way to find your best man.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) Don't try this at home, folks.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 21, 2017: "Bad criminals."

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Spotify!  
**LOVETT:** Spotify is great!  
**FAVS:** Do you love this podcast?  
**TOMMY:** Why the hell are you still listening to this advertisement if not?  
**FAVS & LOVETT:** (laughing)  
**FAVS:** Wow. Very aggressive today. I like it.  
**TOMMY:** I was talking to Taylor, my sister, and she mentioned skipping through ads on podcasts, so I just really had to make sure she wasn't skipping ours.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Listen, guys. If we find out you skip through our ads, Tommy's going to show up in the middle of the night like the Grim fucking Reaper and force you to listen to them on repeat.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) This is just a day job.  
**FAVS:** Well, Taylor, and all other Pod Save America listeners — did you know you can listen to us on Spotify while still enjoying your favorite tunes?  
**TOMMY:** In between all the ads Spotify gives you.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Okay, definitely cutting that out. Just look for the podcast section within the Browse tab on your mobile device or search for your favorite shows.  
**LOVETT:** Another cool Spotify feature is being able to upload your own music files. Tommy, you could pre-record a bunch of songs on the guitar for your wedding and put them on a playlist, so it would be _like_ you were playing live, only not, because you're the groom, obviously.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) You're so full of ideas lately.  
**LOVETT:** I just wanna help, Tommy. I'm here for anything you need, like a good best man would be.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Tom, don't listen to him. Just hire a damn live band. And to find more podcasts, head to Spotify dot com slash podcasts.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 23, 2017: "The Middle Finger on America's Right Hand."

**LOVETT:** Lovett or Leave It is brought to you by Winc. When you have a great glass of wine, it enhances the moment! Whether you're reflecting on the day, or with someone you love.  
**FAVS:** We love you, Tommy. You know we have no chill about your wedding because we love you, right?  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Wine makes Jon extremely sappy.  
**FAVS:** It's 10:45 on a Thursday and we're drinking at the office already.  
**LOVETT:** Wine o'clock over here at Crooked Media. Take Winc's palate profile quiz! Then you can find out which wines best match your taste preferences, and Winc will send you a box of wine every month. None of your time is wasted fitting in a run to the store.  
**FAVS:** We could add wine to our joint engagement gift for Tommy and Hanna.  
**LOVETT:** Oh, crap, I still have to send you and Emily money for that.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Save it for the Cash App ad.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) First, Winc. You can skip any month, you can cancel any time. No membership fees. Winc has a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee, so you never pay for a bottle that you don't like. Right now, Winc is offering listeners twenty dollars off your first order when you go to Try Winc dot com slash Lovett. That's T - R - Y - W - I - N C dot com slash L - O - V - E - T - T.  
**FAVS:** Winc! Twenty dollars off today!

 

 

SEPTEMBER 28, 2017: "A cannibal who's for single-payer."

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is also brought to you by Indochino. Every man looks better in a suit!  
**LOVETT:** Mm. True.  
**FAVS:** Indochino is making it easy to get a perfectly tailored suit at an incredible price. You can choose from hundreds of top quality fabrics and personalize your suit just the way you want it, whether it's for work, a wedding, or another special occasion.  
**LOVETT:** Tommy, are you also gonna go with Indochino? Pick a nice heteronormative blue like your fellow Boston straight bro?  
**TOMMY:** Haven't made a decision yet.  
**LOVETT:** There are some other things you haven't made decisions about yet either.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Kind of an awkward transition, no?  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Oh, are we criticizing how smooth my segues are, now? My smooth deployment?  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Your comfortable glide into that topic.  
**LOVETT:** Tommy's so red right now.  
**TOMMY:** There's nothing wrong with taking your time to make a wise, deliberate decision.  
**LOVETT:** I can respect that.  
**TOMMY:** Can you, though?  
**LOVETT:** I'm just — you know, a naturally curious person.  
**TOMMY:** Uh huh. Well, we've picked a date and booked a venue. It's all going down next July. We're sending save the dates once Hanna's picked a color scheme.  
**LOVETT:** Cool.  
**FAVS:** Another summer wedding. Very nice. Well — if you do pick Indochino, they've suited hundreds of thousands of men, and they are now the largest made-to-measure menswear brand in the world. Here's how it works. Visit a showroom or shop around online at Indochino dot com. Pick your fabric, choose your customizations, from lapels to pleats to jacket linings and more. Submit your measurements, and then place your order and wait for it to arrive in just a few weeks.  
**LOVETT:** So convenient.  
**FAVS:** As a related aside, if you pick me as best man, you could have Lovett be your officiant.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Oh, wow. Don't underestimate me, Favreau, I could totally do both. I'm great at multitasking.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) Really, really unsure if Hanna would be down with that.  
**LOVETT:** I don't know, I think we could persuade her. I can be extremely convincing.  
**MUKTA:** (muffled, from the back) Can you just pick? One of the interns crunched some numbers and it's taken twenty minutes longer on average to get through ad reads since this started.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Yeah, come on, Tommy.  
**TOMMY:** We don't _have_ to relitigate all of this every other day, you know. It's like the bottle of wine all over again.  
**LOVETT:** Hey, hey. That was a legitimate grievance.  
**FAVS:** Here we go again.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) No. I'm putting my foot down. We're starting over, cut all of this.  
**FAVS:** No, I'll just read ad copy over Lovett's protesting.  
**LOVETT:** No, I'll be good. It's over, our beef is over. Tommy and I are no longer in a fight about the bottle of wine.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) That's a relief.  
**FAVS:** THIS WEEK! Pod Save America listeners can get any premium Indochino suit for $379 at Indochino dot com when entering Crooked at checkout.  
**TOMMY:** And that's any listener. Ladies, you want an Indochino suit? Head on down, they'll get you fitted.  
**FAVS:** Yes! Fifty percent off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit, plus shipping is free. Indochino dot com, promo code Crooked.

 

 

OCTOBER 6, 2017: "Paul Ryan's my dad." (LIVE from Madison)

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is brought to you by ProFlowers. Talk about someone you love or care about who's obsessed with fall.  
**ALL:** (laughing)  
**LOVETT:** Listen, people. ProFlowers is great. Seasonal arrangements are great! Tommy, your wedding is in the summer but you could get your flowers from ProFlowers.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) Do you think they'd send a best man along with them?  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) It's a flower delivery service, Tommy, not human trafficking.  
**FAVS:** Well, we're just storming right out of the gate.  
**TOMMY:** What if I asked Dan to be my best man?  
**DAN:** Oh, boy. I was hoping to be able to avoid this.  
**TOMMY:** He and Howli sent some very nice ProFlowers to congratulate me and Hanna on the engagement, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Oh, so you're taking bribes now? Game-changer. I gotta rethink my strategy. Dan has really upped the stakes.  
**DAN:** Please let the record show that I never asked to be part of this narrative.  
**FAVS:** No, no, Dan, your hat's been tossed in the ring. Too late to take it back.  
**DAN:** I respectfully decline. However, I will say that my favorite part of this saga was when Lovett suggested Sean Spicer a couple of weeks ago.  
**LOVETT:** Thank you. (laughing) Won't you think of the unemployed in this country, Tommy? You could probably fill your entire wedding party with White House rejects at this point.  
**FAVS:** Uh huh. Interesting concept! ProFlowers has the perfect gift for anyone excited about fall, a long-lasting bouquet in their favorite fall colors.  
**LOVETT:** Buy some now, and maybe they'll last till next July.  
**TOMMY:** That's called buying someone plastic flowers, Lovett.  
**FAVS:** Their best-selling cinnamon cider roses are a great option for a birthday, an anniversary, any fall occasion. Or, go with one of those classics, like a hundred autumn blooms or a dozen autumn roses. You can't lose, because no matter which bouquet you send, our listeners get twenty percent off of any of ProFlowers' unique bouquets of twenty-nine dollars or more.  
**LOVETT:** Now I'm just imagining Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, and Anthony Scaramucci walking in behind Tommy with wilted fall-themed boutonnieres attached to their lapels.  
**TOMMY:** Can you even imagine? That would truly be the most awful bachelor party ever.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) I really don't think this is what ProFlowers envisioned when they sent us this ad copy.  
**DAN:** (laughing) Shouldn't they know better by now?  
**FAVS:** Anyway — ProFlowers bouquets are guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days, or your money back, and you control the delivery date. To get twenty percent off all bouquets of twenty-nine dollars or more, go to ProFlowers dot com and use our code Crooked at check out. That's ProFlowers dot com, code: Crooked.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) I promise you, Hanna, there will be no ex-cabinet members at our wedding.  
**LOVETT:** So current cabinet members are still on the table?  
**FAVS:** (laughing) END OF AD.

 

 

OCTOBER 11, 2017: "Slack channel for the last adults." (LIVE from Chicago!)

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Harry's! What would _you_ do with an extra hundred dollars?  
**LOVETT:** Spend it all on my good friend Tommy.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) You're really leaning into this bribery thing, huh, Lovett?  
**LOVETT:** Flies, honey, you get the idea.  
**TOMMY:** Oh, so I'm an insect?  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Guys, focus. Did you know that if you're a frequent shaver, you could save over a hundred dollars a year if you shave with Harry's instead of your current razor?  
**TOMMY:** I did know that.  
**FAVS:** Even infrequent shavers can save about fifty dollars. Guys, here are some things that a hundred dollars can buy you.  
**LOVETT:** Should we do this Family Feud style?  
**DAN:** Oh, Lord.  
**FAVS:** Not enough time! I'll just run through the list. Forty cups of coffee!  
**LOVETT:** From where?!  
**TOMMY:** Keurig. Gotta be.  
**FAVS:** Forty-two gallons of gas —  
**LOVETT:** Literally impossible.  
**DAN:** Those are some academic probation gas prices. (laughing) I stole that joke from Twitter.  
**LOVETT:** This list is like the opposite of Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development when she thought a banana cost ten dollars.  
**FAVS:** Eleven movie theater tickets.  
**TOMMY:** Better…  
**FAVS:** A nice dinner with someone special.  
**LOVETT:** Picture: a candle-lit table. Soft violin music playing in the background. Me. Tommy. Planning his bachelor party over a hundred dollars worth of filet mignon and some nice wine.  
**TOMMY:** Just a hundred dollars? Who do you think I am, some floozy?  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) You want me to spring for a high-end escort steak dinner?  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Alright, time out. Back to Harry's. I like Harry's razors for the closeness of the shave and the comfortable glide.  
**LOVETT:** You know what else has a comfortable glide?  
**DAN:** (laughing) I think we can all guess.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Harry's is a high-quality shave that's better for your face _and_ your wallet. Save time and money with Harry's. They're able to provide you with an amazing quality shave at an affordable price by owning the factory and taking less profit, and they pass those savings directly onto you and ship straight to your door. Over three million guys have made the switch to Harry's —  
**TOMMY:** Hey, why do we have to be gender normative about it? Women, anyone who is not a man, you can make the switch to Harry's, too. Smooth skin all day.  
**FAVS:** You're right. Equal opportunity razors. There's a hundred percent satisfaction guaranteed or you're gonna get your money back. To get your free trial set including a handle, blade, shave gel, and travel blade cover, go to Harry's dot com slash Crooked. All you cover is just a few bucks in shipping.  
**LOVETT:** People of any gender can enjoy that comfortable glide.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) That's Harry's dot com slash Crooked.

 

 

OCTOBER 12, 2017: "A feckless despot."

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is brought to you by Tommy John!  
**LOVETT:** It's really too bad Tommy isn't around for this ad read.  
**FAVS:** Speaking of Tommy, our fellow founder and co-host has mysteriously invited us to brunch this Saturday.  
**LOVETT:** I wonder what it could be about, Jon.  
**FAVS:** Me too, Jon.  
**LOVETT:** What a mystery, Jon.  
**FAVS:** (laughing) Maybe he wants us to help him plan a Tommy John themed bachelor party.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Dear diary...  
**FAVS:** Tommy John is crafted from feather-light, breathable fabrics that move with you, not against you. All Tommy John underwear also features a contour pouch to keep your goods nestled up front —  
**LOVETT:** Important!  
**FAVS:** — plus a patented horizontal quick-draw fly for smooth deployment.  
**LOVETT:** I'm suddenly very interested in this bachelor party.  
**FAVS:** Of course you are. Tommy John also sells super soft undershirts that never come untucked, and their socks are made with proprietary stay-up technology, so they never roll down.  
**LOVETT:** There are a couple of other things I'd like to stay up as well.  
**FAVS:** (wheezing) They've even got amazing t-shirts made from soft, smooth, luxurious fabric that never shrinks or stretches out. They're perfect for everyday wear.  
**LOVETT:** Someone hit the adjective hammer a little too hard in that last part.  
**FAVS:** And of course Tommy John underwear is backed by the "best pair you'll ever wear or it's free" guarantee! With over three million pairs sold, you've got absolutely nothing to lose. Hurry to Tommy John dot com slash Crooked to save twenty percent off your first order.  
**LOVETT:** Tommy John dot com slash Crooked! Smooth deployment, comfortable glide, premium vibrations.

 

 

OCTOBER 16, 2017: "No blood for ego."

**FAVS:** Pod Save America is brought to you by the Cash App.  
**TOMMY:** Guys. Guys. I have an announcement.  
**LOVETT:** Ooooh.  
**TOMMY:** Drum roll, please. Or, well — don't, the microphones will go crazy. For those of you who have been following along at home, Hanna and I have finally put our wedding party together.  
**LOVETT:** Indeed. Friends, Romans, countrymen — Tommy Vietor has made his final selections.  
**TOMMY:** I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath since Lovett first made up this controversy about a month ago.  
**LOVETT:** (laughing) Whatever, Tommy, I spice up your life.  
**TOMMY:** Uh huh. (laughing) Anyway, I had a nice brunch date with my cofounders this past weekend, in which we did use the Cash App to split the cost of our meal. The main point, though, is that I'm not going to have a best man. Taylor's going to be my best woman, because it's 2017, and it's our wedding, and we get to do whatever the fuck we want.  
**LOVETT:** Honestly, Tommy, it's a perfect choice. The best choice, as it were. I'm mostly mad that I didn't think of it first.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) You know, when it's your turn to plan a wedding and you pick your sister to be your person, I get to tell everyone about how you stole the idea from me.  
**LOVETT:** (groaning) No, no. I'm going to make the two of you wrestle in mud to determine who gets the honor. It's in the gay rulebook.  
**FAVS:** (quietly) Jesus.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) Whatever makes you happy, Lovett. But anyway — yes. Taylor. You're both family too, but it's Taylor, you know?  
**FAVS:** We know.  
**LOVETT:** Really, we're just delighted that you and Hanna are getting married. It's been a long road, and we're happy we got to see you get here. Aaand I've reached my quota of frivolous sincerity for the day.  
**FAVS:** Aw, so sweet. (laughing)  
**TOMMY:** I'm touched, Lovett.  
**LOVETT:** Moment over.  
**FAVS:** In case it wasn't clear, Tommy also officially asked Lovett and I to be groomsmen at brunch.  
**LOVETT:** We graciously accepted. Battle of the toasts is still on, buddy.  
**FAVS:** Great. Can't wait.  
**TOMMY:** Taylor has happily ceded all bachelor party planning rights to the two of you, by the way. We can talk about it more when we see her in Virginia in a couple of weeks.  
**LOVETT:** Sick. I just wanna say in advance, if we all die during your bachelor weekend, it's Jon's fault.  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) I regret this already. To bring it back to the ad copy, I assume as part of this whole process, there will be a multitude of transactions happening over the Cash App.  
**FAVS:** So many transactions.  
**LOVETT:** Switch to the Cash App!  
**TOMMY:** We aren't using the other apps anymore!  
**FAVS:** Put in the code PODSAVE, and that's five dollars to you, five dollars to our friends at —  
**LOVETT:** Five dollars to Tommy's wedding fund!  
**TOMMY:** (laughing) That is NOT what is happening.  
**FAVS:** — our friends at the IRC. (laughing) That's the International Rescue Committee, doing great work in countries all over the world.  
**LOVETT:** We're using the Cash App now. Donate to Tommy today!  
**TOMMY:** The IRC. Donate to the IRC today.


End file.
